I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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