My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
