i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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