Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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