I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
