chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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