How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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