I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
