Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
