I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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