i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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