so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
