I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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