I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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