I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
