At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
