I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
i think my cat just said my name.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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