And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
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Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
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I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
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