I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
