hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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