My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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