Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
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I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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