I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
