i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
