im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
