i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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