i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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