Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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