'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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