My Higher Power is John Stamos
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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