Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
