for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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