you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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