she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Drunk is not a location!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
