I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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