she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
