i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
