Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
