never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We're too hungover to prance.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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