Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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