I just saw a hot homeless man
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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