That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize