just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
