I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
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I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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