I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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