im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
