my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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