So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
