theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
