forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
