it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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