winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I want her autograph on my taint
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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