I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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