If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
