I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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