I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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