come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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